I protest. For myself and other women I know who go out with younger men it's not a choice driven by sex. We are not Sex and the City Samantha's older sister. While a healthy sexual relationship is important (as it is for any relationship) it's not what defines our relationships. As a single woman in her 60s I regularly date men ten years younger. I'm attracted to their vitality and intellectual curiosity compared to the men I meet in my age bracket whose lifestyle precludes new experiences and spontaneity. Far too often I end up sneaking glances at my watch when out with guys my age.
Unlike the "cougar" stereotype, I've never cast my net for younger men. They pursued me. I was always reluctant to get involved with a guy who was much younger. They had to convince me that the age difference wasn't important, but what drew them to me was my enthusiastic engagement with the world.
When older men date younger women popular culture rarely makes a fuss. On the contrary this dynamic is championed for the man's experience and wisdom. His young escort is considered fortunate to benefit from her older companion's worldly sophistication. Why is it different when the tables are turned? When the woman is older than the man there is a tendency to frame the relationship in unflattering psychological terms like, "He's got a mother hang-up," or, "He's challenged by the prize of landing an older, accomplished woman."
None of the women I know, myself included, who date younger men ever had the slightest desire to be in charge, "to mother" our companions. If anything it's the reverse. For the older woman, age frequently brings a level of acceptance and less of a desire to change the other. Over and over I have heard men who date older women praise their companions for this quality. One 45-year-old man commented on his 57-year-old lover, "She doesn't judge me or ever tell me what to do."
On balance, these May-December relationships are frequently more equal than those in which the age difference is less dramatic. While the women tend to be more accepting of their partners, the men tend to be more open. A 62-year-old woman told me, "I never had the level of emotional exchange in my marriage that I have with my younger partner. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be with a man who readily shares his feelings."
But it's not all a bed of roses for the older woman. There are still plenty of hurtful stereotypes floating around. Recently a younger date said to me, "You're very attractive for a woman your age. I bet you were a knock-out when you were young."
"And why can't I still be a knock-out?" I wondered, but didn't say out loud while registering my date's thinning gray hair and paunchy stomach. Why was it perfectly acceptable for me to be judged against my younger self while men aren't held to the same yardstick? No, they often get better with age. Their gray hair is considered distinguished and not something to be concealed with hair dye. Their widening girths might be valued as testimony to a life of fine dining.
Another downside for the older woman is the worry that her partner will abandon her some day for a younger woman. This fear was almost universal among the women I spoke to in live-in relationships with younger men. While their partners insisted that the age difference would not be a reason for ending the relationship, the cultural devaluation of the older woman is hard to shake.
Instead of judging her, let's celebrate the older woman with the confidence to date a man where what counts is who he is and not how old he is. This pattern is part of our societal transformation where older women and younger men co-exist in a paradigm with same sex partners and bi-racial couples. Love refuses to play by prescribed rules. When souls mesh, it's not about age, gender, or race. It's about transcendence.
