It's Not Just About Custody - Challenging Biases Against Non-Custodial Mothers
A woman who opts not to retain custody of her child is a 'non-custodial parent,' and it's a term that's being heard a lot these days in connection with the death of Michael Jackson. As the custody battle begins for his three children, speculation surrounds the mother of two of them, Debbie Rowe. Did she give up her parental rights because she was paid off by Jackson? Did she ever want contact with her children? Is she now seeking custody?
Rowe may be the most well-known example of a non-custodial parent, but her situation doesn't accurately reflect the real-life stories of non-custodial mothers. In an article in Marie Claire magazine, three of those women explain why they made the decisions they did. The final story is that of Rebekah Spicuglia, who doesn't take parenting any less seriously just because her son is thousands of miles away with his father. As Spicuglia explains in her own blog NonCustodial Parent Community:
[Last year] I wrote what I consider to be my "coming out" essay about my experience as a noncustodial mom. Marie Claire editor Lea Goldman came across my story, and I fit a model that would challenge the noncustodial mom stereotypes -- women who relinquished custody of their children, not because they were forced to, but because it was the right, loving choice in the best interests of their children....In the year since, I launched my blog and have served as a noncustodial parent spokesperson on family issues.Why did Spicuglia share such an intensely personal story -- one that might open her up to criticism that "a child should be with his mother"? Partly to challenge biases about non-custodial parents. As she told Goldman:
Motherhood is the most sacred thing in our society....Mothers like me—well, there isn't really a dialogue about us. People just don't even know how to talk about it.Spicuglia's blog is a way for her to share experiences, strategies and solutions, and to address the automatic assumptions we make about mothers who choose not to have physical custody of their children. She's started a much-needed dialogue and hopes other non-custodial mothers will visit and help build a supportive NC parent community.
Photo of Rebekah and her son Oscar
© Rebekah Spicuglia
Comments
This column will no doubt bring out intense debate.
The August issue of O Magazine features an article about Vernetta Cockerham’s experience with domestic violence and litigation abuse.
Frequently, abusive men wage custody battles as a way to punish their ex-wives for leaving them. The mother is faced with a horrid choice of surrendering custody or knowing they will all be murdered.
My own point of view is that Debbie Rowe was used like a brood mare by Michael Jackson. With his power and money, she knew she’d never win a custody battle.
Women who choose to be “stay at home mothers” often don’t have the funding to wage an effective custody battle or to support their children post-divorce.
She doesn’t so much “give up her kids” as she surrenders to the inevitable. It is an unbelievably cruel choice. . .especially if she is forced to make this choice to keep herself and her children alive.
We need to do better for women and children.
Tough subject. As a retired social worker with Court Dependents, simply stated by a Judge, “this is like a divorce, children have visitation rights”. She was referring to the fact that just because the parent, often the mother, was not following Court orders, did not mean the children should be punished. Therefore, visits, although supervised was in the best interest of the children. In the long run of things, I have to say that I agree, in that, depriving children contact will no doubt cause mental issues as they grow up. Unless they receive some type of therapy, no doubt, they will have emotional “hang ups” as the result of the absent parent. This include fathers, who cause just as many emotional problems. This is a sensitive issue with me and don’t even get me started on this topic.
It’s about the children and that’s it.
If only more couples would turn to divorce mediation instead of divorce attorneys. Mediation allows couples to make decisions efficiently and in the best interest of themselves and their children.
Divorce Mediation allows those who are divorcing to create a plan that works for their unique situation from the onset. If children are involved mediation encourages parents to put their children first, improve communication for the future, and establish a plan for co-parenting that will work for the unique needs of their family.
Typically when we (at CFR Medition) are working with couples the “residential” or “custodial” parent determination is secondary to the determination how BOTH parents are going to participate in the lives of their children.