"What I'm Juggling in Pursuit of Having It All"
I'm a doctor with one child who is fortunate enough to have my husband stay home with our son. Although both of us intended to raise a family while working full-time, when we moved away from Washington, D.C. to a smaller city in the Northeast, it was difficult for my husband to find a job. He'd been an attorney working for the EPA, and while our son was young we had a live-in nanny in our home in the D.C. area. But outside of the district, he was less able to find employment in fields he was interested in. What started out as a temporary arrangement turned into a permanent one. He's the primary caregiver.
"What I Prioritize and What I Give Up in My Life"
We were both young and ambitious when we met, and not sure we wanted to have children. I knew that becoming pregnant during medical school or residency would be almost impossible for me, and he wanted to establish his career as well. So we delayed making that decision until we were both secure. By then, I was seeing the window of opportunity closing, and I realized that I did want to be a mother after all.
Having a live-in nanny was ideal, but both of us missed major milestones in our baby's first two years. I didn't think I would regret missing those moments as much as I did.
When my husband started staying home with our son, I stopped feeling guilty, and because he's so good at documenting special moments in photos and videos, I can now participate vicariously and not feel left out.
I think that although women are just as capable as men professionally speaking, because of the unique circumstances of pregnancy a strong physical bond forms that makes it much harder for women to leave their infants, especially if the caregiving situation is far from ideal. I've always been very fortunate in that respect, and I would never give up practicing medicine, but I wasn't prepared for the flood of feelings I had after childbirth. I'm a practical person who's always prided herself on being level-headed, but the emotional attachment felt nearly physical.
My son and husband are important to me, but as the sole breadwinner I can't always spend as much time at home as I'd like. Yet I'm comforted knowing that our son isn't being raised by strangers, and that his dad plays a major role in his life. Even though he's school-aged now it's good to know that my husband is there when my son gets off the bus.
Lessons Learned
- I'd like to have another child but I'm afraid I'm a little too old and there may be complications.
- If I could go back, I think I might have taken more risks early on and had children when I was younger, although I felt at the time that I would have suffered professionally.
- I know that in every career field, there are obstacles to being a mother and being successful. I have female friends who are attorneys, professors, and others who are climbing the corporate ladder. We are trying to have it all in varying degrees with varying success. You are your own best judge for how to balance it all and make it work out.
