The Situation and Circumstances
I was 9 yrs old when my brother befriended a teenaged boy from our neighborhood. Soon after, they began sleepovers at our house almost every weekend.My parents ran a social hall on Saturdays, leaving my brother in charge, and rarely getting home before 4am. It happened to me repeatedly over a 2 month period. The evening started with watching pornos, then molestation and always ended with oral sex & sodomy. They would also make me do humiliating stuff like lay down naked with a blanket covering my face & half my body and proceed to fondle and rape me with objects. I never told anyone because I didn't know what sex was or that I was even having it.
The Aftermath and Post-Rape Trauma
I did nothing about it as I was too naive to understand what happened to me. How do you tell someone when the words don't exist to you?
It all ended when my mother caught them having a profanity ridden argument & my brother wasn't allowed to hang out with said friend anymore.
I did seek medical attention afterward as I encountered rectal bleeding for months even after the ordeal had ended. Not one medical professional asked me if something had been inserted into my rectum, it was just assumed I had tearing due to constipation.
It wasn't until I was 16 that I was able to recall that 2 month period of my life. I was met with disbelief when I finally did tell the story to my parents & instructed to forget it, leave it in the past.
I then carried this burden into my adult life. I used drugs and alcohol daily to swallow the humiliation I endured. But the pain just kept escalating. I really thought I could beat this thing on my own. I had a great life. I got married to a wonderful man, built my first home, and was an in high demand hair stylist. The only problems were that I was a drunk, chemically dependent, self mutilating anorexic. I felt like a failure. I quit my job when I couldn't hide the wounds I had made all over my arms, chest and throat anymore, pretty hard to hide 50+ lacerations without some becoming visible, pulling up my sleeves to perform a shampoo for example. Not to mention I was suffering the severe side affects of a raging eating disorder, just standing up I would become dizzy & almost faint. I looked & felt sick all the time. I was also playing with suicide quite often at this point, I narrowly survived an alcohol and drug fueled sleeping pill overdose, still nothing scared or detoured me.
It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant with my first child that I decided to stop punishing myself & stop this life of insanity. Fortunately for me, I felt the effects of morning sickness within the first week of pregnancy & went to my doctor to confirm what I already knew to be true. I have a healthy,happy almost 2 yr old today & am currently expecting baby #2. My children & my husband have truly saved my life.
- I am now 32 and finally understand what happiness and unconditional love means and how badly we all need it. I think I was always capable of it, I was just too angry to realize I had it all along.
- I would never be so presumptuous as to offer advice, everyone's journey is different. Not to discredit any health professional but I have tried several different treatment options to only to have little or no benefit. For me, it came down to making a decision and having the conviction to see it through. Although I never brought my attackers to justice, I encourage others to do so. I wish I could now, but the opportunity has gone.