The Situation and Circumstances
My attacker is my biological brother, well half brother. He raped&beat me for 2 years from when i was 7 to 9, i do not remember the first time, nor every time, but i definitely remember the last time. He used to stay at my house every weekend, and without fail he abused me. At first it started with oral sex, then sexual intercourse then of course a long came the beatings. Strangely for the first year and a half i wasn't scared, i trusted him with my life and he told me it was 'normal' i was just a little girl. I still don't know to this day what i did to deserve for him to steal my childhood.
The Aftermath and Post-Rape Trauma
I kept it to myself for 9 years, i just blocked it out, pretended like it never happened. I felt dirty, violated, depressed, but sooner or later it just became normality, it was the only thing i knew. Then i plucked up the courage to tell my parents when i was 14, i felt so stupid and i just wanted it all to end, i wish i kept it a secret. i then started to have paranoia, flashbacks, panic attacks, my mood swings got worse and i'd lash out at anything. That was 2 and a half years ago now and i've come so far, i'm so much better than i was and i'm proud of myself. i'll never get over it but i will get better and one day i hope i'm strong enough to help others like me. some days i'm okay but some days i break down and i think it's always going to be like this. You have to be strong and put on a proud face otherwise you'll find yourself breaking even more. The first person i told was also abused as a child, so i felt like i could confine in her. then 2 years later a close friend that knew persuaded me to write a letter to my parents telling them then when i was ready give it to then, but then i let her read it in class and the teacher saw, took it of me, read it and then it got referred to the head of duty of care and my parents got told.
- i had no other choice but to come to terms with it, you know you think that you can't be strong but then it comes to it and you have literally know choice. It's hard, really hard, sometimes i just want to sit in darkness, on my own and analyze it over and over in my head trying to understand why but the truth is i never will. I will never be able to trust a man, just like i hate the dark and like i have emotional issues but you just have to get one with it, it gets better. Everyday you get closer to getting better, to happiness& you're not alone, don't be scared and don't think you deserve any less than the best