The Situation and Circumstances
I knew my first husband from very early childhood. At 20 years old I met him again and he was very charming and convincing in almost every way, but became abusive in less than a year. I broke up with him.
He had the ability to get in good with my mother and she pushed the relationship. He was allowed to come and work back at our family business even after I told her he could not be trusted. He lied to me and said how sorry he was for everything he had done before. He said he had spent a year going to counseling and realized what was making him mean and that he really loved me and wanted me to give him another chance
The Aftermath and Post-Rape Trauma
After three months he was the same. I told him I just was not mature enough to handle a serious relationship and needed to take some years and pursue my preforming arts in school and counseling for some personal issues.
He asked if he could make love to me for the last time and I did not feel right about it but I thought if this keeps him from flipping out on me what could it hurt. He pinned me down and would not stop even when I said no and he was never allowed to perform all the way during penetration and he did what he wanted. After he let me go I jumped up as he had actually pinned me on my stomach and I started screaming at him and crying all at the same time. He laughed at me when I said, "that was not making love you raped me." He said, "well you wanted it one last time."
I blamed myself and did not speak to him for a month. I ended up pregnant by him and took full responsibility because I was raised to not have premarital sex so surely I caused this. I blocked it out right after I tried to tell my mother and my best friend what he did. They said no one made you have sex -- it's your fault.
I went back with him in all my spiritual confusion and shame and he continued to abuse me. My mother encouraged marriage because of having a baby out of wedlock.
I was a mess and ended up suicidal during my first trimester. I did not believe an abortion was the answer but did not know how to find anyone who would believe me. I continued to block it out and left him when my son was a year old and went into some sort of emotional breakdown and started drinking almost everyday which then caused legal problems. I would momentarily become emotionally detached from my son but did not know why. The first 2 years everyone thought I was the most attentive mother.
I came out of some of this, but still would be really close with my son and then go into some sort of emotional and physical detachment and have no clue why. By this time he was five and I was still drawing very abusive people repeatedly. When my son was five I finally felt freed to tell a women at church and she started me on the road in which she counseled sexually abused women. I went to survivors of rape groups for months and continued in one on one counseling. Shortly after these groups I felt empowered and not condemned anymore and my relationship with my son started to be consistent
- Looking back, I wish I had sought help from someone for me and for my relationship with my son, before mounting an addiction on top of the rape. This was not my only rape and I know this is why I blocked so much out and continued on with the abuser even after the rape.
- Through groups I learned I was not alone, Not ignorant and I also was not to blame.
- I encourage anyone who feels that panic and freaked out feeling after a person is aggressive sexually and you are begging them to stop and they do not; know what you are experiencing Is rape, seek help until someone really hears your cry!