What I Did:
While driving around a car that my friend thought was moving slower than it should have been, he said, "I knew it had to be a woman driving that car."
How I Did It:
I asked, "How did you know?" He answered, "Because she was driving so slow." I asked, "Slow car… woman driver…But…have you ever seen a man drive slowly?" He said, "Yes, but it's mostly women who drive like that." I said, "Hmmm…have you ever seen a woman drive fast?" He said, "Yes, one woman almost ran me off the road the other day." I said, "Well, you've seen slow male drivers and fast female drivers. It sounds to me that you might be right and you might be wrong in any one case if you assume all slow drivers are women." He said, "Whatever. Don’t freak out." I said, "I’m sure you didn’t mean to stereotype, but I guess I get angry when women are pigeon-holed like that. All men are not the same and neither are women. I’m just asking you to think about it a little more.” He said, "Yeah, ok."
Lessons Learned:
- Try to cultivate a sense of curiosity to make sure your tone is not defensive or attacking.
- Ask questions to get the person to think about what s/he said.
- Clarify by restating the answers to your questions.
- Express your feelings, beliefs, and desires about the situation.
- These steps are explained in detail, and more examples given, in a book I co-authored called Navigating Diversity: An Advocate’s Guide to Race, Gender, Religion, and More.
