"Mom," one of my daughters once asked me. "I want to have a baby someday. Does that mean I have to have a husband too?" In a post-Octomom world, what can I tell her? With so many women enjoying career success and financial freedom -- and so few finding Mr. Right or ending up in marriages that last -- a husband is the middleman a woman can conceivably cut out of the parenthood equation if she wants a child but can't find a mate.
Obviously the single mother by choice concept rattles cages. It runs counter to everything we've been raised to believe. Consider the following statement:
Women are realizing more and more that you don't have to settle, they don't have to fiddle with a man to have that child. They are realizing if it's that time in their life and they want this part, they can do it with or without that.
This isn't the declaration of a radical feminist. It's a comment made by a mainstream Hollywood actress promoting her new film, The Switch, involving a woman's decision to become a single mother via artificial insemination. But when Jennifer Aniston shared her thoughts about single motherhood, conservative talk show host Bill O'Reilly blew up and accused her of being "destructive to our society."
Women who become single mothers by choice probably wish controversy didn't surround their decision. Yet it persists, even though it's been almost three decades since the support group Single Mothers By Choice was founded by New York psychotherapist Jane Mattes.
Can a single woman successfully raise a child on her own? As Mattes acknowledges, "it is preferable to raise a child with two loving parents." But the high divorce rate and the challenge of finding a suitable life partner shouldn't automatically shut the door on a woman who wants to be a mother but can't find a father who'll stick around -- especially if she has a stable lifestyle and is financially secure. If a single woman is committed to raising a child on her own and can do so with the support of friends and family and without relying on government handouts, shouldn't she be able to do so?
With adoption and insemination by a known donor or a sperm bank providing opportunities for women to become mothers, Mr. Right isn't necessarily Mr. Essential to the single woman determined to become a mother. As one woman (due to give birth this week) told the Contra Costa Times:
I realized that for me part of what it is to be human is to be a parent...I bought into the myth that you only have a child if you have a partner. It took a while to overcome that fantasy.
Related article:
Becoming a Single Mother By Choice
Comments
I’ll concede, for the adoption option, that a child growing up with one parent is better than living in a foster home, most likely, but I am saddened to read that fathers are now a commodity to some women. “..don’t have to fiddle with a man to have that child.”? Jeez, sounds like you can just order one online instead. Perhaps, if a woman wants something to care for but doesn’t want to make any sacrifices or commitments, she might look into getting a cat or a dog. At least this way you won’t need to worry about your pet asking who its father is at the age of 13 (in dog/cat years) and then having to akwardly explain that they are the result of a “hook-up” at a sperm bank. There’s also the option of the woman eating her suitor after conceiving as some species of insects do, but due to laws against murder you’d end up in jail and unable to be a part of your child’s life. If you can’t find Mr. Right to live happily ever after with, then there’s always Mr. Wrong + contraceptives + pets.
Well we all know that barracudas such as Bill O’Reilly, shouldn’t be listened to… they just like to stir things up! I disagree with the statement the first commenter made: “then there’s always Mr. Wrong + contraceptives + pets.” First of all why should women need to put up with Mr. Wrong? Contraceptives have many bad side effects and can be detrimental to a women’s health. And I hope she is not comparing a child to a pet! Women should take advantage of today’s science, if she want’s to be inseminated. We have moved on… we don’t go out and hunt for our food anymore, don’t bath once a month and surely don’t need a Mr. Wrong in our world!
I highly recommend Jennifer Wolf’s excellent article “Becoming a Single Mother by Choice” while contemplating this life altering step. But you have to understand that in vitro is a painstaking ordeal. It takes dedication, expense, endurance of pain and often, wrenching disappointment.
A character in my novel, “Among Us Women,” goes through the arduous process, becomes pregnant, then finds that her husband is gay and is leaving her for his lover. Now Jane is faced with the dilemma of single motherhood or abortion. Which do you suppose she chooses?
Perhaps a SMBC (Single Mother by Choice) needs to wade in here….and perhaps it is notable that I did not have the support of a group or the fertility issues (one birth child is in the mix of 3) or any of the discussed barriers to Motherhood – other than the societal norm ones – to deal with when I made the decision to be a Mother three times over. Parenthood may not be for everyone, but for me it is and has been a blessing. I would not have given up this choice for anything and am glad that MOTHERHOOD is one of my life experiences. Single parenthood has its challenges – and many times it has not been as easy as I assume two parent household management would be – but I highly recommend it for those individuals who desire to experience love, life and laughter beyond boundaries…! And to those brutish cads who think singlemotherhood is a travesty against the American way, I can only saw pshaw in respect of the polite company who read this posting….
I was surprised at how much controversy Jennifer Aniston’s comment raised. Not only Bill O’Reilly, but other radio show hosts (all male, that I’ve heard) have weighed in with their snarky comments about Ms Aniston and her motives. Motherhood is indeed a precious and romantic notion in our country, until someone goes after the ’sacred cow’ of the male role in the family. As a single mother by adoption/choice myself, I continue to get either raised eyebrows at my choice, or the “oh-you-are-so-NOBLE-to-adopt!” comment — as though only the wish to perform charity can make my choice acceptable. I hate to disappoint both camps at once, but my choice to become a mother was neither man-hating, nor a case of charity — I simply never found the right man to join me as a parent, and I wanted to become a mother. Simple.
Not trying to offend anyone but if a woman cannot find a partner, perhaps she should not contemplate having a child at all? Simple as that. And if a man cannot find a partner, perhaps he should not have any offspring?
All argument for and against you hear are about what women want and what men want. Isn’t anyone asking themselves what’s best for children? Doesn’t every child deserve to have both parents? After all, there are bits of education and behavioural patterns the child gets from mum as well as from dad. That is also why two mums or two dads is just plain wrong. Nature made two sexes required to have a child for a reason and if there weren’t one we would have mutated a long time ago.
There’s not much that can be done when couples split up and the mums and dads are single parents not by choice but by circumstances. However, making a decision to become a single parent is saying: “I can afford it, I can have it” – thus treating children as commodity.
Over the years, I’ve met many people that have been brought up by single parents and around eighty percent of them have had some sort of a problem forming a lasting relationship. And that is because they never had the example of a family with both parents. So their interpretation of having children will also be they don’t really need a wife, husband or at least a partner. Think about that if you’re thinking of having a child on your own. Do you really want to rob your child of at least a chance to hear both sides?
It is very simple: men and women do not necesarily need to be together to raise a baby. Nature did not create us that way, even if we force it through social behaviours and rules. I believe it is important to have masculine figures around but not necesarily the father figure. I just look at nature..If for some reason it would have been crucial to humans to have a mother and a father I am sure evolution would have made us become some kind of linked pair once a new human being had been conceived.
People (often men, but some women too) always seem to go into the idea of how awful it is to talk about having children being raised with one parent. What I wonder is how often someone looks at dual-parent homes? I’ve worked with kids for years and I have seen parents do horrible things in custody disputes to try to claim full custody of the children. Things that heavily affect the child.
I myself was raised with a bit of each growing up and to be honest? The environment I liked best was when only one parent had legal custody over me. Things were easier, more stable, more secure. No drama and fighting, etc.
Basically? I think people will do what they feel is best for a child. Just because their view isn’t your view doesn’t mean they’re wrong. I mean, personally, I like the idea of the multi-generational household with grandparents playing a large role, particularly before elementary school.
And I think what is best for a child is simply a loving, caring, nurturing home that can provide for the child’s nutritional, developmental, social, emotional, psychological, and physical needs. Not necessarily the presence of two parents. There are more problems with child abuse victims, malnutrition, unplanned pregnancies, teen pregnancies, etc. than there is evidence that being an established person financially choosing to be a single parent (mom or dad) is detrimental to children.
Single motherhood by choice has been around for thirty years and it will have an ever increasing role to play in society as men fail to step up to the plate.
Currently 60% of college graduates are women, the vast majority of whom would like to marry male college graduates. Some of the 40% male college graduates may choose to marry non-graduates as men prefer to marry beneath them rather than above them. This phenomenon is predicted to generate two college-educated men available for every five college-educated women.
This will create a supply and demand imbalance in the dating market that may look something like musical chairs with women out to grab the few available men. Women willing to settle for Mr. Not Quite My Type, may do okay, whereas the women who can’t quite overcome their disappointment over the limited selection of men, will become single parents.
Children of single educated parents do no worse than children of married parents according to studies. In fact, like the children of lesbian parents, they may do better. Two factors are at work. One is that children of single parents avoid divorce and bad marriage trauma. The other is that children of single parents tend to be donor insemination children and donors are selected for their superior qualities. Thus, the men give a genetic advantage to their donor offspring.
I’m a single parent by choice and I hope my daughter selects the same route. She’s brilliant and she’ll be highly successful and I don’t want to see men discount her for that and I don’t want her to settle. She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to see her endure any possibility of custody battles. As a single parent, she’ll have full custody of her children without any risk of losing them. And that’s worth a lot in today’s world of divorce.
You know what . I agree ….with history. We are not living in the amazons mythos. Men and women are comparable when you take one out the other can not survive. We are equal in. . Diffent ways. Single mothers you are estrogen your son will be weak because you will raise them from a womens view. Destroy societies standards because you can afford it
What an unforgettable moment when I tried to get the truth from my mother that I was born from my mother’s effort with the man she does not love although he was her husband! The only one in her marriage and I was born just to be for her, no more…
The basic fact is that a child, also a human being in modern time with full education, always wants her or him to be born in the same way as the others, that is love and harmony.
What will your kid think of himself or herself if one day knowing about a result of artificial combination?
I used to stand in front of many questions if I was an object instead of a human, relating to biology side. I tried to live different ways to prove that I am good, intelligent, natural as well as my friends.
So I absolutely disagree with this trend. If you want to become mother to the adorable babies, why don’t you raise the poor children at the orphanage who never have chances to be protected by real mother???
As for the above situation, I’ve also witnessed some other circumstances of unlucky women in love and marriage.
Except those who decide to have children without any father’s existence, some of my friends’ mothers understand a lot the importance of fathers in providing love, care, courage, life experience, even financial support, .etc.
They can also accept getting marriage to some men good enough for family to some extent; then after taking a child from their spouses, they feel satisfy with these achievement and continue using the fathers of the kids for all essential things.
It is most important to keep the fathers’ love for their children as long as possible while they have began thinking about new happiness with some others whom they love more.
Love, sex, care, family relationship, children are mutually beneficial. Men and women cannot accept to have one thing over the other things. Difficult to say, but I believe men or women should not base on some special cases to take advantage of them.
In other words, love for children is just sacred, natural motherhood or fatherhood, not relating to the crucial requirement to bear a child by any means. A mother or father who love their children most will not try to have their babies knowing not any single thing relating to couple love and warm family to support the babies.
This single mother debate is rediculous. Unless a woman has an unchangeable, foolproof, or inherited source of money, how can she ensure, by herself, a resource to her child that can ALWAYS provide financial, physical and mental security?
Not many can. To go into the delicate balance of raising a child on one’s own is foolishness. One can argue the divorced couple, single mom, but that usually involves support. One can argue the professional woman, doctor/lawyer/engineer theory all day long as well.
It is simply unnatural to conceive a child with the thought of that child growing with only one parent, by choice. This is indeed a broken world in which we live that woman are so desperate to satisfy their own selfish desire for motherhood, while simultaneously forcing a child to explain itself to the rest of the world as to why it’s mother…is a self-centered idiot!