Why More to Love Promotes Fat Self-Hatred, and Why TV Needs a Real Fat Acceptance Show

Five weeks into More to Love (the supersized dating show featuring female contestants closer to the average size 14 American woman) and it seems that what passes for 'entertainment' is watching fat girls cry.

Every reality dating show preys upon the contestants' insecurities. There is no drama without conflict.

But the insensitivity of this particular show is deliberate and designed to make viewers howl with scorn.

Demoralizing Larger Women
Although there are self-assured contestants on the show, the "nobody's ever loved me because of my size" confessionals dominate. These tearful private interviews punctuate the many food-focused group dates, most of which take place in settings requiring bathing suit and bathrobe attire, further demoralizing the women. (One even said as much on last night's episode.)

Every moment seems calculated to perpetuate stereotypes of how larger women eat, interact with men, and feel about themselves.

Becoming a Punch Line
Whether the participants realize it or not, the producers set up bachelor Luke and the women in situations that make them the punch lines of all sorts of jokes about weight and food. Here's blogger Top Idol's take on the "Prom Date" episode two weeks ago:

[O]nce that Danielle chick went on her private date, I knew it was all downhill from there. By the time she was shown mawing on a giant chocolate & nut banana peen on a stick, we could no longer contain ourselves and kept pausing the DVR to take photos. Plus, the whole damn date was ridiculous....Luke is such a humanitarian (Hell, he's a fat person's UNICEF, taking all those girls to prom and giving things they NEVER had before in their sad yet well-fed lives!)

Bait and Switch?
The promo clips of More to Love tease a completely different show than the one that's been airing for the last month. In those clips, women talk about wanting to be accepted for who they are, and not have the focus always be on how much they weigh...which the show tastelessly did during its first episode.

Would any of these contestants have come on this show if they'd known that viewers like Top Idol would be watching with friends, laughing and pausing to take photos to post on the internet? Are the contestants victims of the old 'bait and switch'?

The fact that some viewers are doing this proves a point. More to Love isn't about body acceptance. It's intentionally emphasizing how despicable, how unlovable, how gross we are unless we're a size 2.

Pushing Low Self-Esteem
"Enough already" seems to be the tone on blogs, forums, and recaps of the show. The truth is, weight is not the issue. Self-esteem is.

I watched last night's episode with my almost-16-year-old daughter Em who -- like many teens -- struggles with self-esteem. Her issue isn't weight. At 5' 1", she's a tiny 96 pounds. Yet even she occasionally worries that she's "too fat."

When Em saw the women wooing Luke, she realized that it wasn't weight that torpedoed many of their relationship opportunities. It was their lack of self-esteem.  Even insecure Em could grasp that each wet-eyed contestant who collapsed on camera and/or in the arms of Luke and was reduced to a quivering, sodden bundle of insecurity was fundamentally unattractive.

At some point during each episode the bachelor says, "I love confident large women." Yet again and again, the show highlights the tears, the insecurity, the self-hatred, and the fears of these larger-sized contestants. Nearly all of them inexplicably believe that their only real shot at true love is within the contrived and controlled confines of a reality show that seems to despise and disrespect its fat participants. They are portrayed as powerless females whose affections are toyed with by the dominant male.

The implication is that they either have to put up, shut up, or get up and get out.

The 'Fat Person' Narrative
I know that More to Love manipulates the situation, and that this isn't how every larger-sized woman feels. But it seems that this is the only 'fat person' narrative that reality show producers want to put on television.

I have a good friend I'll call Kate who has always struck me as the most beautiful woman I know. She is overweight but incredibly fit and has no health issues. She's warm and caring, funny and outgoing, a gifted 'people person' who demonstrates astounding creativity and boundless enthusiasm for whatever work she's involved in. And she has a knack for organization and team-building.

A reality show fan, Kate has talked about auditioning for a couple of show over the years until finally she went to a Biggest Loser casting call.

Casting for Self-Hatred
As she described it, the production staff did their initial screening in groups. When she was called, she sat in a room with other overweight women and men. Each briefly told a little bit about themselves. Other questions followed.

She thought she was doing fairly well in the interview process until the participants were asked to describe how they felt about their size and weight. One by one, each person spoke of insecurity, inadequacy, self-hatred and low self-esteem. When it was Kate's turn, she refused to go down that road. She said she was happy with her life and with herself, and that although she wanted to lose weight it it wouldn't change how she felt about herself.

Kate didn't make it on the show. She had the looks, the intelligence, the spirit, and the personality. What she didn't have was the self-hatred -- the only 'fat person' narrative that television seems willing to tell.

More Than a Pity Party or Freak Show
The only time we see obese people on TV without a laugh track is when pretty young stars dress up in fat suits with a 'hidden camera' to find out how it feels to be large and ignored (or made fun of), or when the Discovery Channel does one of those dramatic documentaries that follow the lives of morbidly obese people too large to get out of their homes.

The lives of fat women and men are more than a pity party waiting to happen or -- in the case of the morbidly obese -- a circus freak show made sensitive by 'medical intervention' and a caring voiceover. When it comes to large men and women dating each other, they deserve to be shown in ways that don't bring to mind big white grubs squirming. (Watch a clip of last night's episode featuring yet another 'bathing suit date' and bare-chested Luke needlessly slathered with sticky white sunscreen and you'll understand.)

At some point we're going to have to come to terms with how television portrays larger-sized women and men. As the fat acceptance movement grows larger and as furniture manufacturers, movie theatres, and even vacation resorts understand and address the needs of larger-sized customers, advertiser dollars will shift the thinking of TV executives who squirm at the idea of a show featuring a woman with a double-digit dress size.

Like the women on More to Love, larger-sized individuals are looking for something that they haven't yet found -- an acceptance of who they, weight and all. They're  an untapped market waiting to be recognized and treated with respect -- a growing one that advertisers, TV producers, and networks mock at their peril. It's about time for television to embrace fat acceptance as it has gay and lesbian individuals and families, and create programming that comes in a variety of sizes, shapes and weights.