Was I Wrong? Speaking Up About Sexist Comments
Yesterday I flew out of Chicago on American Airlines. The smaller American Eagle plane had only flight attendant - an affable, pleasant man in his late forties/early fifties who seemed thoughtful and was good at anticipating his passengers' needs.
At our destination we were delayed at the gate. Over the intercom, the attendant announced the problem was the jetway. "It appears we have a student driver," he said wryly, "and they're GIRLS."
Sitting in the back of the plane, I groaned very loudly. And I knew my friend Trisha Torrey, up front, had the same reaction. I was very surprised to hear this type of comment coming from him.
No Longer Funny
I'm not humorless. I get the "women drivers" joke. But c'mon, didn't this stop being funny decades ago?
I thought about not saying anything. But Trisha - who had deplaned before me - had other ideas.
When I got to the front, the attendant was in the cockpit alerting the pilot and co-pilot that a women's issues writer was on the plane; Trisha had told him I wouldn't be happy about his comments. "That's me," I said to him. "I'm sure it was tongue-in-cheek, but it bothered me."
Later, at baggage claim, the pilot and co-pilot approached me and Trisha, apologizing for the comment.
They recognized it was inappropriate. So why did the attendant say it?
Why I Spoke Up
Some would say it was no big deal and that I was overreacting. Here's my reply:
- Take the idea behind it - "They're bad drivers and they're girls" - and substitute any of these words: black, disabled, fat. Clearly, any of those comments would reek of prejudice.
- My 16-year-old daughter is thinking of becoming a commercial airline pilot and is working this summer to pay for private pilot lessons. What does that comment say about how the abilities of women are regarded on the airfield? "Girls are too incompetent to move a jetway. Don't even think about flying a plane."
- The use of "girl" in this context is a putdown. To legally operate machinery of this type, the driver would have to at least 21. Would you call a man of this age a boy? Then why call a woman a "girl"?
Nice Guy, Dumb Comment
Let me make this clear: I don't want this attendant fired or reprimanded. He appears to be a nice guy who does a tough job well. Earlier, when he saw me working on my laptop, he pulled down all the window shades around me to reduce light and glare. He handled a two-thirds full plane with ease and speed and I was impressed with his competence.
But he said something dumb in front of a captive audience, and I called him on it.
Changing His Mind
I wear a sterling silver bracelet that says, "Well-behaved women rarely make history." Some would say I wasn't well-behaved in this situation - that I was too pushy and outspoken. I was outspoken, but my intent was not to change history. Just the mind of one man working in a public setting who should have known better.
Comments
Linda – good, objective description of the incident.
I agree with you that this is not about changing history. It was an opportunity to make a point.
Two additional comments from this friend who was on the plane with you: first, that there were several children on the plane, all of whom not only heard the comment, but heard the passengers react loudly when the “and they’re girls!” comment was made. Kids pattern the adults around them. Let’s hope their takeaway was not that it was OK for adults to make dumb gender comments.
And second – you refrained from mentioning that the flight attendant was either gay, or could have been easily mistaken for being gay. No doubt he has weathered many callous and uncalled for comments in his lifetime. His own history should have been enough to make him hold his tongue.
Were you being pushy? I think not. Many women before us have worked hard to create the environment where these kinds of comments are unacceptable. You did them proud.
Trisha
It’s an interesting experience, and I do agree it sounded like a very boorish comment – definitely a foot in the mouth moment. But I do also find it interesting under the category of perception and everything is relevant…
I was at the theatre this weekend for a bit of improv – Linda you know where and what event – anyway a lot of the jokes made and humor found had to do with the size of the large male actor among the players. Easy jokes since the sight of a fat man is a simple laugh – its the one stereotype that is univerally still ok to use and weild – now one is writing blogs or correcting public comments over a boorish fat man joke… Hell, as a fat man I am the first to be self deprecating… I have made a good career over playing on the jokes and stereotypes my form brings out in society.
But… there is a cutting edge to that sword, since I know it is the first thing people see. And it has its effects, since it is ok to laugh at the fat guy. In fact, it is ok not to accept him as anything but a clown or an oaf…
If you check the news and media… it is proper and correct not to date him. it is ok not to hire him, since he will drive up medical costs and is a bad risk. It is ok not have clothing in stores in his size, it’s even ok to charge him extra for that seat next to you on the plane.
Would Homer or Family Guy be funny without him? Of course not, since it’s ok… it’s just a fat guy.
It’s all relevant.
Great post. I really liked how you compared how it would be to make the comment about other groups of people. When I first read it, I thought that the attendant’s comment was perhaps a little off-color but not really a big deal. But I would have felt totally different if it had been addressed to black, fat, or disabled people. It’s a very good point that that attitude also makes things difficult for actual girls trying to make a career in that environment. Thank you for writing something so thought-provoking.
I guess I wasn’t aware at how fragile women really are. Men can hear “the bigger the boys the bigger the toys”, and “Boys will be boys” and endure hours of sitcoms ridiculing men and fatherhood with commercials doing the same (And still manage to get on and off of planes without an episode) but it seems women just implode, lose sight of career goals and apparently believe “behaving”(whatever that is) would doom their place in history? I guess THESE women don’t read much history outside of a few feminist essays. I’ve always considered that men joke with and about women, women joke with and about men and we were all equals. Never saw them as delicate vessels of perpetual victim hood but I seem to be in the minority… Good eye opening article, but I’ll continue to acknowledge women as equals who understand the difference between being disrespected and good natured ribbing, and roll my eyes at those who I think have some growing up to do.
Chris, I’m glad to hear that you ‘acknowledge women as equals’ and applaud you for it – and that you are comfortable enough to participate in good natured ribbing with your female friends, co-workers, and the women in your life.
Do you have a daughter? Are you a father? Because when comments like these are made, it’s not just ‘THESE’ women who are in earshot – it’s young girls who, time and time again, subtly get the message that they’re not good enough. One comment by a flight attendant on a plane is no big deal to you, but when this good natured ribbing is heard again and again and again in a variety of situations, these ‘digs’ build up and young girls hear and internalize the message.
Twelve years ago, Mary Pipher wrote an excellent book, “Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls,” which essentially deals with this issue – how girls get messages that they’re not worthy, and they go underground with their intelligence to fit in. She is not a feminist, and the book was wildly successful in the publishing world. Why? Because she hit on something that women, girls, and many men understand: We treat boys differently from girls.
What you’ve said has real truth to it: Studies show boys externalize the outcomes of negative situations (”I failed the test but that stupid teacher didn’t tell us to study the right stuff”) whereas girls internalize (”I failed the test because I’m stupid – it’s my fault I didn’t study the right chapters.”) This is not a feminist theory; women are hard-wired this way.
So you and I disagree on this issue. In a social situation, when there’s ribbing between men and women in private conversations, it’s not an issue to me – I get the joke. But when this comment is made in a public setting in a voice dripping with sarcasm, and young girls and teens overhear it along with ‘THESE’ women, then yeah, I’m going to speak up. Even if you ridicule me for it. Especially if you ridicule me for it.
Thanks for sharing your opinions. As you can see, I’m tough enough to take them.
….good for you…..
Unless we call people on these offhand remarks and make them aware of how they are perpetuating discrimination we will not be able to change anything. Your bringing this to the crew’s attention was well done. Bravo for planting the seeds for thought.
Yes, I’m a father. Between my wife and I, we are doing our best to raise a daughter who would not allow herself to be treated with disrespect both by treating each other with respect and by respecting her. She has a strong spirit and is quite opinionated, must get that from her mother!
This man acted unprofessionally, that much is clear and I agree he should have been called on that, I just don’t agree with all of the other assertions. I do think it’s interesting what you said about how boys externalize things and girls internalize them. It’s just that, in life we all (male and female) are told outright we aren’t good enough by a host of people. I don’t think it’s right but if this crushed us, what could be done? We’re somewhat mystified at the differences between girls and boys but there does appear (at least in our family) a difference. We prescreened programs and avoided the doll aisles and advised family not to give dolls as gifts to our daughter to try to save her the “I’m a girl, I need a doll” syndrome. She made dolls with inanimate objects and eventually got old enough to realize we were passing by the doll aisle. She now owns 4 dolls. Our son who is obsessed with cars (anything with wheels) has to play house with his cars in order to interest her. The boy likes his teddy bear but not a doll. I don’t pretend to know why. Anyway, I researched the author and she’s from my state. Based on what you said, I’d be interested in what the book says, I’ll pick up a copy and let you know.
ya up ya done good thar litte lady..har har..seriously, I am NOT a guy who was good naturedly ribbing ya..I totally agree with your stance and so does my husband who thank god, is in toouch with his feminine side, but all man thank you, and we agree that these remarks cannot be flipped off as ‘good natured ribbing’ or anything like it, it gets internalized and has been for too many years the norm, good point about if it was changed to ‘blacks, gays, etc’ instead of GIRLS. It was a cheap shot, period, but certainly not a job breaker but definitely a mention-er.
Silence is rarely “golden”.
Injustice needs action. Elie Wiesel said “if you can’t do anything to stop the injustice, then you must bear witness to it”.
As an Artist, I know world-wide the first thing all Artists do is they observe things all around them before they express them creatively.
We might use various tweaks, tools, etc. but the voice has proven throughout history is importance in halting & inspiring “change” for better or worse.
Maya Angelou’s “So I Rise” and “What A Woman Should Know” are powerful inspirations of change.
Lighten up.
Is This Sexism?
My husband works with 99% women; when he comes home and we discuss work he refers to his co workers as “the ladies”. I have told him that his thinking is dated and comments are promoting sexism as he is looking at them as “skirts” only and not individuals with titles for which they have earned, or employees that have a name.
What do you think?