When a woman describes herself as a mother, assumptions are automatically made. The first is that her children live with her. The second is that if they don't, she must a bad mother. Both are rooted in a long-held societal belief that a child should be with her/his mother, no matter what. But this isn't always the best situation for the child...or the mother.

A woman who opts not to retain custody of her child is a 'non-custodial parent,' and it's a term that's being heard a lot these days in connection with the death of Michael Jackson. As the custody battle begins for his three children, speculation surrounds the mother of two of them, Debbie Rowe. Did she give up her parental rights because she was paid off by Jackson? Did she ever want contact with her children? Is she now seeking custody?

Rowe may be the most well-known example of a non-custodial parent, but her situation doesn't accurately reflect the real-life stories of non-custodial mothers. In an article in Marie Claire magazine, three of those women explain why they made the decisions they did. The final story is that of Rebekah Spicuglia, who doesn't take parenting any less seriously just because her son is thousands of miles away with his father. As Spicuglia explains in her own blog NonCustodial Parent Community:

[Last year] I wrote what I consider to be my "coming out" essay about my experience as a noncustodial mom. Marie Claire editor Lea Goldman came across my story, and I fit a model that would challenge the noncustodial mom stereotypes -- women who relinquished custody of their children, not because they were forced to, but because it was the right, loving choice in the best interests of their children....In the year since, I launched my blog and have served as a noncustodial parent spokesperson on family issues.

Why did Spicuglia share such an intensely personal story -- one that might open her up to criticism that "a child should be with his mother"? Partly to challenge biases about non-custodial parents. As she told Goldman:

Motherhood is the most sacred thing in our society....Mothers like me—well, there isn't really a dialogue about us. People just don't even know how to talk about it.

Spicuglia's blog is a way for her to share experiences, strategies and solutions, and to address the automatic assumptions we make about mothers who choose not to have physical custody of their children. She's started a much-needed dialogue and hopes other non-custodial mothers will visit and help build a supportive NC parent community.

_{Photo of Rebekah and her son Oscar
© Rebekah Spicuglia}

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor begins confirmation hearings today. And although they may be lengthy and intense, we can only hope that they will be civil. The same can't be said about some of the prior coverage of Sotomayor which has been laced with hate and scorn since her nomination by President Obama.

Take a look at this montage of clips showing the incredibly biased and outright nasty statements made about her judicial career, her educational background, her cultural heritage and even her gender. Compiled by the Women's Media Center, they include racist and sexist statements made by Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Miller, Glenn Beck, Tom Tancredo, G. Gordon Liddy, Pat Buchanan, and a host of other folks from FOX News.

This sort of thing will continue unless we make it clear that this type of media coverage is unacceptable. The Women's Media Center (WMC) is asking for media justice for Sonia Sotomayor and is providing ways for you to make your voice heard. They're also asking you to submit examples of unfair coverage of Sotomayor to them so they can keep track of media bias.

As the hearings move forward, the WMC expects that there will be "vigorous debate of Sotomayor’s qualifications & abilities." And they're calling on the media "to refrain from allowing sexist and racist remarks to go unchecked." Considering the fact that Sotomayor brings more federal judicial experience than any Supreme Court justice in 100 years, isn't it common courtesy to treat her with the respect she has clearly earned?

Related article: Media Coverage of Sotomayor Thus Far

Summer can be a tricky season for working mothers used to having their children in school. Childcare arrangements -- whether it's daycare, summer camp, or a steady babysitter -- are a huge concern for many women.

For families fortunate enough to have full-time nannies, summer isn't a problem; but other issues crop up in the delicate relationship between parents, children, and the nannies who care for them. Tasha Blaine does an exemplary job taking us into the lives of these women in Just Like Family: Inside the Lives of Nannies, the Parents They Work for, and the Children They Love.

'Love' may not be part of the job description, but nannies who spend their days with other people's children develop a deep bond and a fierce sense of protection toward their charges. Blaine gives us a glimpse of this relationship by closely following three different nannies from different backgrounds and lifestyles. Each has come to the profession for varied reasons, and each faces obstacles as she negotiates her relationship with the parents who've hired her.

Blaine, who earned an MFA in fiction writing from New York University, knows how to make this non-fiction book grab readers in with an engaging storyline. Whether they're at work or at home, you'll find the women's lives compelling and heartbreaking. Underlying Just Like Family is the hard question we ignore at our peril: if caring for the most valuable 'thing' in our lives -- our children -- is such vital and important work, why is the financial compensation so low for nannies, daycare providers, and others in the field...and why do they earn so little respect?

You don't have to have a nanny in your life to enjoy this book. I'd highly recommend it to both working and stay-at-home moms. It would be a terrific addition to any mom's book club and would provoke some fascinating discussions.

Related article: Just Like Family Book Review

It's an unfortunate fact that military service members experience physical, mental and emotional hardships on the job. But once they're discharged, the aftermath of a tour of duty can bring those hardships back home with them.

The Boston Globe has a little-reported story on the rising number of homeless women veterans, many of them single parents with kids. What's even more disturbing is the fact that although services are in place to help returning vets, many feel that the culture of the Veterans Administration is primarily geared toward addressing the needs of men; therefore, they're having a hard time adjusting to the very different and specific needs of women.